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Argentinian President Javier ‘Chain Saw’ Milei announced today that having been taken by surprise by the U.S Governments release of the Kennedy Assassination Files it would be declassifying documents on the various Nazis who fled to Argentina after World War 2. The files are expected to confirm that Hitler made it out of Germany with a U-Boat full of Pervitin along with a large supply of moustache combs. Rumors have abounded since the 1950s of British tourists who often ran into an elderly German with a large moustache who was the owner of a boarding house and cat neutering service in a small village in Patagonia. The business was called ‘No bollocks will set you free’ it was also reported that he was obsessed with measuring the size of tourist’s noses. The testicle removal was done by Frau Billery Frinton a renegade American on the run for counterfeiting parking tickets in Harlem New York who had perfected her castration skills by practicing on her husband Bill Frinton. In a further strange twist, the London Daily Heil newspaper has reported that the son of POTUS 46 Punter Hidem was found in possession of a large supply of Pervitin. He claimed they had come into his possession whilst working for a Ukrainian Palm Oil company that was drilling for a rumored deposit of ‘Washing Up Liquid’ and that the Pervitin were discovered in an abandoned German war time field hospital near the drilling site. When questioned he commented “Come on man. You know that Adderall just doesn’t scratch that itch for my old man!”. He then proceeded to pop two Pervitin and cycle from Washington to Delaware in 17 minutes!

The Times of London expects further revelations in the coming days including a certain U.K tabloid paper will be introducing a page 3 nonbinary daily pin up.